A ‘Hell-On-Earth’ Life {Pt. 1 of 4}

April 6, 2016

Wednesday

{Happy Birthday, Susie! }

{This blog entry includes a video by the Bee Gees}

   https://i1.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/0/c/1/0/11949838282028563880bb_fldr_my_.svg.thumb.png I know I had decided to use this blog to talk about miracles, and I still want to do that.  But, I also had wanted to use this as an outlet for all of the heartbreaking pent-up hurt, fear and anger I’ve had to live with over the years, that didn’t all begin when my son, Bobby, was killed, but that has increased maybe a 1000 fold ever since he died.  Until now, after around 20 years of it, I am nearing the inability to cope any longer.  The internal stress caused by the tremendous grief, both over losing Bobby, and over losing everyone, except a bare few people in my life, for inexplicable-to-me reasons, is threatening to swallow me up.   I didn’t lose everyone of those people due to death, but, the speed at which things changed between us was actually breath-taking, and it was incomprehensible to both of us as to what in the world was really going on.

https://i1.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/e/V/F/o/6/b/necklace-th.png  I realize I can’t unleash everything all at once, and I can’t even squeeze half of it in one blog entry.  Plus, I can’t count on the fact of my deciding to try talking about it now, helping to end quickly, if at all, the deep, emotional, experiences of severe trauma that I keep suffering from, nearly on a daily basis recently, and all due to everything that has gone on, mainly since July of 2006.  And, one thing I will never be able to understand is–why–why there’s been no help in ending this nightmare of estrangement from people I thought were family and friends?  And, why do I find myself being the one blamed by others for what they’ve caused in the first place?  Is, “Easy ‘Scapegoat” scrawled across my forehead in ink only others can see, or what?! 

https://i1.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/e/V/F/o/6/b/necklace-th.png I’ll never forget the day Bobby left to go to Army Basic Training.  I’ll never forget it due to the horrible feeling of dread that nearly overcame me as I stood watching him carry his bags out of the house.  I knew it wasn’t what people call the ’empty nest’ syndrome, but was something akin to what those who are about to die might experience when approached by the ‘grim reaper’–I knew it was the end of the life I had loved so much with my family–my husband, and my two boys–that was my beloved family–and, that feeling of deathly dread let me know that, once he walked out that door, all of that was over completely–that’s what I felt at that moment.  At the time I tried to shake it off, trying to believe it really was nothing more than the ’empty nest’ syndrome, and not as terrible a thing as it seemed. 

    https://i1.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/e/V/F/o/6/b/necklace-th.png I would be proven wrong about that, but that proof would come slowly at first, taking over 5 years to begin clearly manifesting itself.  But, I was very slow to realize it, unable to believe anything as horrible as what eventually happened would ever even be possible.  And, I am not referring to the death of my son, but what had begun happening way back in the mid-’90’s, and was about to pick up steam, like a runaway freight train.  And, I stood right in it’s way, not believing it would ever hurt me as permanently as it now has.  The reason is due to the fact that it’s as if I was run down by that freight train, and the damage has become permanent, all because no one is willing to help, and I’ve never been able to understand how I might be able to help end this nightmare by myself. 

https://i1.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/e/V/F/o/6/b/necklace-th.png  What’s ironic about some of it is that, due to the way I was treated by a mother-in-law who disliked me far more than I could ever have imagined, I knew in my heart-of-hearts that I would NEVER treat any daughter-in-law of mine that way.  I never would have treated ANYONE as badly as I was treated–never-ever!  But, it turned out that it didn’t matter at all–that, I had been judged and literally sentenced to a slow death, all due to how my mother-in-law had treated me.  I know that sounds like it makes no sense.  But, it will once I finish explaining.  It seems that my second son had become very concerned about how I might treat his fiancee.  He told me this–that, he knew how I’d been mistreated by his grandmother.  That he watched as no one ever stuck up for me against her.  So, therefore, he would always stand up for his fiancee, and would never allow anyone to do to her what he saw had been done to me–that, he would always take her side in everything, no matter whether she was right or wrong.

https://i1.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/e/V/F/o/6/b/necklace-th.png As he told me all of that, he was so intense that I could only stand there and nod, not daring to even try explaining to him that, standing up for someone when they are wrong is a very bad idea–nope–I actually couldn’t believe what I was hearing him say to me.  What I didn’t know was that his fiancee-now-wife had placed me on her, “Hit” list–I can only call it that because she sat here in my house one evening telling me all about her father’s well-off family, and how someday she planned on getting even with all of them for the way they’d treated her mother, and herself, and her brother and sister–she planned on getting a job that paid a lot of money, and once she had enough money, she would make them pay–that’s how she put it.  I was stunned, and all I could think of to say was, “Oh, you don’t mean that!”, but all I got in return was “Yes, I do!”  I tried not to take it all that seriously, but, then, I never realized I’d end up on her ‘list’ at some point in the near future, myself.

https://i1.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/e/V/F/o/6/b/necklace-th.png My ‘turn’ came in mid-2001.  I had been very upset at the disrespectful way our younger son had treated his dad earlier on that fateful day.  I usually never said much of anything to Bobby about his brother’s behavior, but Bobby had seen him in action around us over the years, so he already knew.  That afternoon, Bobby called me, and as we were talking, I went against my better judgment and told him how his brother had behaved towards his dad.  We had stopped by his brother’s workplace, because his dad needed to speak to him about something.  I sat in the car, and as I watched what was taking place between them, I found myself growing angrier and angrier at our son’s obvious nastiness towards his dad.  However, unfortunately, once I mentioned that to Bobby, he suddenly said, something like, “Mom–I have something I need to do–I’ll call you right back, ok?” 

     https://i1.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/e/V/F/o/6/b/necklace-th.pngSo, a few minutes later, Bobby called back, and he was laughing.  I asked him what was so funny, and he told me he’d just called his brother’s number, and had gotten his answering machine, so he’d shouted at him for the way he’d treated his dad, and the ‘clincher’, that he said he’d ended the message with, was, “If you can’t treat mom and dad any better than that, then maybe you don’t need to see them anymore!”

https://i1.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/e/V/F/o/6/b/necklace-th.png Bobby had been laughing, but I was horrified!  I told him to call them right back and apologize–please!!!!  So, he said he would–and, he did–he called me right back again, and let me know what he’d said to them on their answering machine: that, he was sorry, but he’d been very upset at his [brother’s] behavior towards their dad.  Neither of us knew that his brother and his wife were out of town for that weekend.  They wouldn’t hear either of Bobby’s messages until they returned home that Sunday.  However, I was sure everything would be ok, once they heard Bobby’s apology.  Of course you know the saying that goes, “Wrong, again!”?  Well, it fits here.

https://i1.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/e/V/F/o/6/b/necklace-th.png That following Monday the phone rang, and it was our son’s wife.  She said hello so happily, and brightly, I breathed a huge sigh of relief, thinking that they had forgiven Bobby for being so upset at them a few days before, so everything was ok.  But, after her initial happy greeting, she explained why she was so happy–because, as she told me, she was so happy that she would NEVER have to have ANYTHING to do with me ever again!  I just stood there in total shock, as I witnessed my deepest fears about her coming true, and I almost couldn’t move, let alone speak. 

     https://i1.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/e/V/F/o/6/b/necklace-th.pngAs she was going on with her gloating, telling me she’d only called to tell me that, plus speak to me about some legal matter having to do with a condo we’d helped them purchase by co-signing with them for it [without our help they could not have bought it to begin with]  So, as she was going on and on, I found myself simply reaching out and hanging up the phone.  I was in such a daze as I began to walk away that I wasn’t even sure where I was actually going.  That’s when the phone suddenly rang again–as I answered it, she said, “Now, don’t hang up yet, we’re not finished!”–I mumbled, “Oh, yes we are”, and hung the phone up again–then, called my husband, so upset I could barely speak to him about what had just happened! 

{The wonderful, BEE GEES, singing “Tragedy”, one of their most popular songs from the 1970’s–I put it in here because I think it fits perfectly into my own life.}

https://i1.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/e/V/F/o/6/b/necklace-th.png So, for 5 long years, they estranged themselves from us.  Our son had told his dad on the phone that day, that he would bring his wife over to talk things out with us that evening.  But, they never came over, and we were beside ourselves over it all.  Anger replaced grief over it within my husband, and he refused to allow me, who wanted to get in touch with them somehow, to do so.  And, to try preventing an ugly scene between us over them, I waited, hoping to find some way to end the nightmare somehow.  But, when I’d write to them I got no answer back, and when I sent gifts for our little granddaughter they were never acknowledged.  Until, finally, I found that they’d moved and I had no idea to where. 

[I’ll continue this later–this is just the tip of the iceberg that is threatening to sink my very life right now, and somehow I need to find out how to melt it before it succeeds.]

Ciao. https://i0.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/3/4/c/2/119710733034108089johnny_automatic_a_dog_and_a_cat_with_an_umbrella.svg.thumb.png

 

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