A ‘Hell-On-Earth’ Life…{Pt.3 of 4}

April 6, 2016–still.

Wednesday

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{Edited to add a video of the Hallelujah Chorus, by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir}

“Death By A Hundred-Million Unkind Cuts”

I’m not sure if I should continue writing today about everything that’s gone on in my life for the last 20+ years, or wait until another day when I might be feeling a bit better.  But, something inside is driving me to write about all of this.  After all these years, it’s like I’ve finally found my voice, and am trying to get out all the poison I can, that’s been building up inside of me for all this time–getting it all out before it finally kills me.  I’ve spent the last 9+ years since Bobby’s death almost completely without another woman to share things with, and, even more importantly, to just be with, to do things with, so I’ve not adequately been able to put every hurtful thing that’s happened into proper perspective.  Instead, I’ve talked my poor sister’s ear off over it all for nearly 10 years now, but I could never get a genuine handle on it all, so that I could deal with it, and put it to ‘death’, once and for all.

https://i1.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/e/V/F/o/6/b/necklace-th.png I know my sister became very worried about me over the years, because with no resolution to the pain and misery I’d been suffering through for about two decades, I continually brought every single incident back up when I’d speak to her, like a broken record–I never got over it all, because I never found a way to resolve it all, and I couldn’t merely let it all go, due to the seriousness of what had gone on with those involved.  I had thought I’d overcome allot of it after I actually stopped talking to her about each hurtful incident every time I’d speak to her on the phone.  However, something has now happened that I never expected would dredge it all back up again, and make me feel even worse than I ever have before.  Perhaps I’ll be able to talk about it in the near future, but not just now.  But, it shocked me when I realized I couldn’t handle certain things, and not being able to resolve yet another vital situation is literally killing me.

    https://i1.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/e/V/F/o/6/b/necklace-th.png I never saw this coming, believe me.  What I know I need is not merely justice–and, I definitely don’t want revenge–what I really need is comfort; I need to realize they really do know that it’s not all my fault, if I’m at fault at all–but, more than that, I want them all back in my life again, to be the people I thought they were before everything took place–that includes those who’ve hated me the most–I’d also like to hear their explanations as to why they felt the way they did towards me to begin with, because no matter how I try searching through my memories of what took place between all of us “way back when”, I can’t find anything at all that would have warranted, or justified, the way I’ve been treated. 

https://i1.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/e/V/F/o/6/b/necklace-th.png I also realize something else–when you truly love someone, even if they make mistakes, or don’t live up to your expectations of them, you don’t stop loving them because of those things.  Instead, you understand, and try to help them as best you can, if possible.  But, you don’t use their mistakes, or their short comings against them, making those short comings the excuses you use to treat that person with utter contempt, and downright animosity, and even downright hatred.  People who don’t really love you do things like that–they wait, and wait until you do something that they can pounce on, and use to justify to themselves why they ‘now’ hate you–when they already hated you, but had no way to ‘justify’ it to themselves and others, until they found what they were looking for–your mistake, or your imperfection–then, WHAM!–they had what they’d needed to use against you, and so they do–and, often, you don’t know what hit you until it’s all over, and you find yourself all alone, confused and in misery. 

https://i1.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/e/V/F/o/6/b/necklace-th.pngCrushing it all down, trying to make it smaller in my mind, has not worked.  Ignoring it only works for so long, until, like today, something triggers it, and it begins welling up inside like lava.  It burns like lava, too, and the pain is unbearable.  The reason is due to the severity of what took place in each incident.  Those things were so serious that they cry out to be explained, to be set right, not merely to be let go and gotten over with, so I can just move on.  Some of those who were involved did things that were so horrible, that I even fear those people now.  It’s hindering my ability to put what they did behind me.  There’s this fear I have of letting what they did go, so forgiving them is something I can’t quite do as yet, for fear I’ll let my guard down, and forget the seriousness of what they’d done.  So far as helping me right after I lost Bobby, the grief counseling would have been ideal, but I could never find a counselor–it’s a long story involving our insurance.

    https://i1.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/e/V/F/o/6/b/necklace-th.png I asked for help in finding a counselor from our ‘health provider’, and our dr. handed me a phone number I’d already tried twice–yet, that’s the only number he knew of, so I was out of luck.  It seemed hopeless, and it’s turned out to be just that, mainly thanks to our health insurance.  T.A.P.S. even tried to find a counselor I could see, but due to fears over our possibly being dropped by our insurance [it’s a complicated mess, but it’s health insurance provided by the military, yet we use civilian doctors, and they are very particular–it’s too tough to explain it all right now, but even I’m confused over it all!] so, I had to tell them ‘no’.  I finally had to give up altogether due to all the frustration, and simply be resigned to the fact that I’d probably never find the help for my grief overload I needed outside of God, Himself.

https://i1.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/e/V/F/o/6/b/necklace-th.pngAlso, I did develop an attitude ‘problem’ due to everything.  It came to light a few years after Bobby’s death, when we tried attending some meeting up at Ft. Dix, with other Gold Star family members.  It was a sort of therapy session, I guess.  But, as soon as I got out of the car, something inside of me snapped, and anger, and hostility was welling up badly.  I tried controlling it, smiling instead of grimacing.  And, it worked for awhile–until the lady giving us the ‘pep talk’ told us that, in spite of how cold other people might act towards us, or how they would act as though the death of our loved one didn’t matter to them, we were to ‘accept it’, and understand–but, as soon as she said that, I felt like I was coming apart at the seams–I stood up, and shouted “NO! No, I won’t accept it!  I can’t!  They can’t be allowed to get away with it!!!”

    https://i1.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/e/V/F/o/6/b/necklace-th.png I ran outside, with Bob and one of the women counselors right behind me–I screamed at Bob that I hated his family and I hated him–I cried, and I could not pull myself together for a few minutes.  Finally, once I’d calmed down, Bob went back inside, and the lady counselor and I walked and talked a bit.  But, after that incident, I realized I was like this loose cannon, unable to control my hurt feelings, and the hostility was because I needed help with the grief I felt so crushed by, and a gathering like that just triggered it all, and I could not trust myself to keep a lid on it!  So, attending any regular meetings with the Gold Star Mothers, or any other organization associated with the military, was out of the question–I never wanted to explode like that again!  I knew I would need to wait until I could get more of a hold on myself, and also until I’d been able to work things out better, with the Lord’s help.  I had only Him to rely on, but that’s not a bad thing, so long as I would trust in His ability to really help me.  Otherwise, all I’d do was thrash around in desperation, with no rudder at all, and no way to help myself overcome the crushing misery.

    https://i1.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/e/V/F/o/6/b/necklace-th.png I’ll write more in the next blog entry.  It’s been very helpful to me to write about this today, even though I feared it wouldn’t be. So, here is a beautiful rendition of “Handle’s Messiah’s ‘Hallelujah Chorus’ as sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.  I’ve put it in here because it’s beauty and majesty is so uplifting, that once you listen to it there’s just no way the hope it instills in your heart will be able to fade away:

 

 

Ciao.  https://i0.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/3/4/c/2/119710733034108089johnny_automatic_a_dog_and_a_cat_with_an_umbrella.svg.thumb.png

 

 

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