” A Word fitly Spoken… “

April 27, 2016

     “Wednesday’s child is full of woe…”

    

 

         “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold   in pictures of silver  .” {Proverbs 25:11 KJV}

{Fair Warning before reading on:  Be prepared.  I’m in one of my “Glenn Beck” frames of mind.  Just so you know…}     

    {This is just such a gorgeous Christmas song, by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, I just HAD to include it in this blog entry.}

 

     {This one is the version we hear most over the radio every Christmas season–just beautiful!}

 

 

      I am, and always have been, extremely shy, so mixing with others, except with those I’ve come to know pretty well, and have learned to trust, has been forever difficult for me.  Believe this or not, I managed to go all the way from Kindergarten to 12th grade minus almost all close friendships at school.  I had plenty of friends on my block where I lived, so I was never lonely after school let out.  But, at school, I just never seemed to fit in with anyone else.  I accepted it, though, and just kept to myself during school hours. 

           It’s funny, but I never dated during high school either.  Oh, I liked a boy down the street, but I didn’t officially go out with anyone, and I always thought it was because the boys at school thought I was unattractive.  I refused to walk with my head down as though I was somehow defeated during the day at school.  However, because I was afraid to be ridiculed, by both the girls and the boys[it had happened twice in Elementary school, and it had left me with some bad emotional scars], I would never look directly  at anyone unless I recognized them.  I went all the way through to graduation that way!  I knew a few girls personally, at school, who lived on my block, and I would say “Hi” to them, but that was about all.

     So, there I was, in the girl’s rest room on the very last day of the 12th grade, waiting for the very last bus ride home.  I was  awaiting my turn, behind a large group of girls, in order to get up to the mirror so that I could comb my hair[!].  I was thinking back through all the years, and wondering once again why it was that none of the boys my age had ever even looked in my direction.  Was I really so awful looking, and maybe even revolting?  It had taken me all the way to the 12th grade to finally get things altogether–hair, makeup, clothes, etc.–so, I had finally begun feeling much more self confident by then.  Yet, still, none of the senior boys, whom I had gone all the way through school with, ever even stopped to talk to me. 

        While I was awaiting my chance to see in the mirror, those thoughts were circling through my mind, when I suddenly realized all the girls had cleared out.  As I stepped up to the mirror, on my left was a girl I’d never seen before, and she looked at me, and then suddenly said, “You know–all the boys thought you were cute, but stuck up.  That’s why they never spoke to you.”  I looked at her, shocked that she’d say something like that to me, but as I did so, she just turned and walked out of the bathroom.  I was stunned!  Especially because I had no idea who she was, so didn’t understand how she would even know that!

         As I went out to board the bus home, though, I had this wonderful, satisfied feeling deep inside.  Because, that unknown girl had just given me a true gift, as though she’d been sent from heaven down here just to help me find some peace inside.  That I wasn’t ugly, wasn’t awkward, or revolting [as I apparently had been in the 3rd, and 6th grades!], and to hear what she had said to me was like receiving a gift sent from above, believe me.  Her wonderful words to me were what the Bible calls, “…apples of gold in pictures of silver”.  To this day, I can’t think back on what she said to me and not smile.  Yet, I still ask myself, “Who was that girl?!”  Because, I had never seen her before in my life, yet I thought I knew who most of the girls were, after seeing them 5 days a week for at least 4 years! 

     Being this shy, though, has left many people with the wrong impression about me, I guess.  Once, when I was a very young teen, as I sat listening to the adults talking around our dining room table, which was something I loved doing more than just about anything else at the time, my mother turned to me and asked me why I wasn’t outside playing with the rest of the kids.  I told her I liked listening to all of them talking.  That’s when she said that I was going to end up being too old before my time!  I like to remember what the unknown girl at school had said to me, about others thinking I was stuck up, all because I feared being sneered at, called names, ridiculed, and even physically attacked, as I had been in elementary school, by both the boys and girls.  

          One incident involved the most popular girl in my 3rd grade class, who liked the same boy that I did.  One afternoon, during recess, I was in the girl’s bathroom, standing at the sink, when a group of girls, led by her, came in, and grab me by the arm.  They pulled and tugged on my arm, trying to pull me out into the hallway, as I shouted for them to stop, while I tried grabbing onto anything I could find!  Once they got me out into the hallway, the popular girl shouted at a group of boys standing a few yards away, out on the playground, “This is her!”  After she said that to them, the boy she had a crush on dismissed me with a wave of his hand, and told her not to worry, as though I wasn’t worth the time of day!  I had never even spoken to him, and she would never even speak to me, so I really didn’t know either one of them on a personal level.  It didn’t dawn on me at the time, that she had done that to me because she had been concerned that I was her main competition for his ‘affections’.   So, she wanted to stop that from ever being a possibility, and she chose to ridicule me, and make me look ridiculous in front of him.  But, that incident frightened me tremendously.  The funny thing was that she never had a thing to worry about from me.  My shyness kept me from ever trying to speak to a boy.  But, her actions did manage to keep me from even trying to make friends with the other girls at school.  I just endured school ’til the end of the day, then went home to live a regular type life with my family and my friends!  

  The second incident happened in the 6th grade, and again, it was due to a boy.  I had this mad crush on a boy in another classroom, so I confided that to some girls that I honestly thought were my friends.  One afternoon, as I walked out to the playground, I was suddenly shouted at by that same boy, as he gave me the ‘one finger salute’, and cursed me up one side and down the other.  I couldn’t believe it!  I had never even met him, so he didn’t even know my name, or at least he didn’t learn my name from me!  That left the girls in whom I’d confided my feelings for him–my ‘friends’–who had told him who I was.  I looked over at my ‘suddenly ex’-friends, who were playing 4-Square, and noticed they were all looking at me being cursed out by ‘him’, and they were laughing–laughing!  I realized what had happened–they had ‘ratted’ me out, and did so in front of the other boys, and that had embarrassed that one particular boy half to death!  So, in retaliation, he turned on me, called me every filthy name he could think of, flashed his middle finger at me, while ridiculing me in front of his friends!  I was crushed!  I had lost both my new classmate friends, along with the 6th grade ‘boy of my dreams’, all at the very same time!   Yet I’d done not one single thing to bring it about, except for telling my new, and trusted girl friends how I’d felt about him!  

    That same boy went all the way from the 6th grade through to 12th grade, seemingly hating me because of what had happened, too.  However, that last week or so of the 12th grade, I caught him staring at me for the first time, and the way he was looking at me gave me a great deal of satisfaction.  The reason is because, I think, for the first time he was really seeing me as me, and not as that ‘dumb 6th grader’ whose crush on him had ended up embarrassing him with his friends.  Which was something I guess he thought he’d never forgive me for!  Yet, it hadn’t been me, but my ‘friends’, who had embarrassed him like that.  I guess they had wanted to hurt me so told him what they did just to be malicious.  Since I never spoke to those girls again, all the way up passed graduation from high school, I never did find out why they’d done that to me.  What made them do something so hurtful to me like that?  

 

                                                      INTERMEZZO  

{To help get us all in the Christmas spirit–it’s right around the corner, you know!} 

 

 

          I dealt with it all in the only way I knew how.  I clammed up, and stayed away from other classmates as much as possible, all the way until I’d graduated high school!  It also drove me over to the jungle gym/monkey bars, there on the school’s playground, and, since I had no one to spend any recess time with, I decided to dedicate myself to being able to do as many chin-ups as I possibly could.  So, ever single recess, there I’d be, chinning myself, and slowly building up muscles in my upper arms, and building blistered that turned into callouses on both of my hands!  

   Once I started the 7th grade, I actually got up the nerve to try out for the school’s choir, and I was so excited when I was chosen to be a part of that choir!  That also helped me get through those 2 long years of Intermediate school.  I loved to sing, and being a member of the choir helped give me a sense of belonging, since we travelled together a bit, including to Berkeley to participate in the “Bach Festival”, which was a great honor for our school’s choir to have been chosen to perform there.  Our teacher was practically bursting with pride once she found out we’d been chosen–before then, she’d been a regular wreck, as she tried to get us to perfect our Bach, then she recorded us, and sent the tape to the judges.  She must have finally been able to breathe again, once she was notified that we’d qualified! 

     Unfortunately for me, though, when I reached high school,  I quickly found out that, not only didn’t our high school have a regular choir, the same girls who’d caused the trouble for me in the 6th grade, were members of the only singing group the school had–the Glee Club.  Well, that left me out, because there was no way I was going to join any singing group that had them as it’s members.  I couldn’t afford to take the chance that they wouldn’t pull some awful stunt on me again, so I just drew a mental line through the idea of ever being a Glee Club member, and left it at that.  Yet, year after year, I almost pined to belong to the Glee Club.  I just loved singing, especially with a group.  It all managed to turn something that might have been a great social life for me, into one in which all I did was endure those hours at school until I could finally return home, and begin to actually live.  That’s so awful, but it was the way things turned out for me, is all.

            At home, though, I was a completely different person than the quiet and shy girl I was at school.  I was talkative, precocious, inquisitive to the max at times, as well as overly bossy with my poor siblings, thanks to having to babysit the 3 of them often, and getting them to mind me was a real chore!  As well as finding myself needing to break up the squabbles that would sometimes break out!  I also could be quite the little know-it-all, and would regale everyone I knew with the things I’d been learning about ‘this or that’, as though I thought they’d enjoying learning all about it, too.  Well, looking back on it all, I’m very sure they really didn’t!  But, then, I knew those at home, and on our block, very well, due to growing up around them.  I knew they loved me, [or, at least liked me, in the case of the neighbors], and cared about me, as I did them.  I felt totally safe, even with the kids on my block.  It was as though, on our block, we were all family, and even though we might have our ‘falling outs’ over this or that, it wouldn’t take us long to make up, and be friends again.  So, there was no one and nothing at all to fear from them from my just being myself.  At school, that was a completely different story.  

         So, because of how frightening it was for me every day at school, I also never joined any extra-curricular activities, even though I had been dying to join the Language club, the Glee club, and the Astronomy club, etc.  I had another problem, as well–we lived about 2 miles from the high school, and I had no transportation home after the club meetings, so that definitely didn’t help any!  But, my fear of some of the other girls caused me never to even try to join in with those after school activities.  I look back on all of those years, and wonder how in the world I ever made it all the way to graduation, without any social life at school whatsoever.  How was that even possible?!  Yet, the very same shyness that had plagued me all the way from Kindergarten to my senior year, continued to plague me afterwards as well. 

         It persisted while I was in the Women’s Army Corps, and even up until now.  I have to come to grips with the fact that, on paper, I can be as outgoing as I please.  In person, though, I still fear others tremendously at times, and too often with good reason.  Those hurtful things I went through at the hands of those I thought I could trust, so long ago, though, are things I’ve never completely recovered from, emotionally.  The fears they generated in me have never completely gone away, and they probably never will.  Also, being too socially awkward, as well as way too shy, also contributes to others misunderstanding me at times.  I find myself wanting to try and explain things to others, especially when I suddenly realize someone is not understanding what is going on with me, or why I said what I did, or did what I did, or didn’t do.  Yet, at some point, I simply realize I have to let go of that, and begin to recognize something vital:   If others genuinely like me, and truly are my friends, they will always understand on some level.  If they really are bothered by something I have, or have not, said, or have done or not done, then I need to trust that they’ll come to me, and ask me what in the world I thought I was doing, or saying?!    That would at least give me a chance to explain, and set things right, before everything fell apart between us! 

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~INTERMEZZO~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

       Yet, little did I expect to happen what did happen, in spades, right after Bobby was killed.  Don’t ask me why, or how others I’d known for decades, suddenly didn’t seem to know me at all.  Or, rather, the person they portrayed me as being never existed to begin with I guess, yet they seemed to think ‘she’ did.  People who had never even sat with me over a cup of coffee or tea, and chatted with me, in all the years I’d known them, were saying things about me to others that were definitely untrue.  Yet, I had no idea they even felt that hostile towards me at all, since they’d never let on to me how they really felt towards me.  It was like I was living inside one of my worst nightmares, where I’m surrounded by strangers who look just like friends, but are actually those ‘wolves in sheep’s clothing’ that people refer to! 

       I, also, lost two friends, whom I had known for a very long time, shortly after I lost Bobby.  Why they decided they didn’t want me as a friend any longer confuses me to this day.  We had been so close, or so I thought.  Yet, that seemed to mean nothing at all to them.  I had already  lost two other close friends to death around that same time period, both of them from breast cancer.  So, losing two more friends to what amounted to no good reason at all, seemed almost crazy! 

    Sometimes,  what keeps me going, and to keep on trying and not simply giving up, is the thought that so many others are in the same boat I am.  Many, many other mothers have lost their sons to this damnable, worthless, nonsensical war, [of what amounts to vengeance over what happened on 9/11, apparently].  I hate viewing it that way, but this current president has really left me no choice, after the way he’s squandered everything, including the lives of our beloved soldiers.  I can’t understand what this gov’t was trying to do, that they so cavalierly stopped pursuing, at some point, what appeared to be a genuinely good objective in Afghanistan, and even in Iraq, and just up and leaving everything unfinished, undone, and leaving our sons and daughters strung out to dry, after they’d given so much to this war effort. 

      So therefore, I refuse to allow myself to wallow in self-pity, knowing those other poor grieving mothers, too, are like me–cut to the bone over losing such a precious thing as their child, and in a most foul way, as well.  Yet, it’s the strangest thing, losing friends whom you thought would be there for you always, the same as you believed you’d be there for them.  That is something I can’t quite understand, and maybe never will until I see them again in heaven, when everything will be set right by God, and there will be no more misunderstandings, or whatever has now separated us from one another.  One of those long-lost friends has now died.  The other one I have no clue about how she’s even doing, and am afraid to try to find out, for fear of being rejected again, or to find out that she, too, is now gone to be with the Lord.  “Oh woe is me!”, as Shakespeare’s Ophelia opined in “Hamlet”.  

   I think what I’d like to do now is try and mend some fencing that I’ve managed to rip apart.  I can speak rather harshly these days, and I’m sorry for doing that.  It comes with the territory I’ve lived in for so long now.  I don’t like myself very much whenever I’ve answered someone in return with a curt response, showing them what amounts to ‘no mercy’!   I’ve even been told in the past by someone here on the internet, that it was a good thing my son had been killed, and that she was glad he’d been killed.  I can’t even imagine being that bitter that I would wish that on anyone, ever!  And, she was bitter over what, pray tell, is what I’d like to know?! 

     Life is tough, and sad enough, without those self-righteous types of angry, hateful remarks making it tougher, and sadder.  Driving others away might give some people a sense of gladness, due to their own anger, and torment that’s eating them up alive inside.  I simply never want to find myself a permanent resident among them!  Life is hard.  If it’s not, then something’s not quite right, I think!  God never meant our lives to be easy.  When things are too easy, we tend to fall into more and more rottenness, that God calls sinfulness.  Instead of growing more loving, we tend to grow more selfish, and self-centered.  Instead of growing more honorable, and truthful, the opposite occurs.  They say it’s because it’s easier to fall into decay, if you don’t continually strive to better yourself, inside. 

       Decay is the natural direction everything takes here on earth, and God wanted it that way, for OUR SAKE. I trust Him, so it’s easy now for me to see why He wanted things this way.  It’s because WE needed them to be this way.  The tougher life is, the better character it builds in someone who wants it to build their character.  If they don’t, then they’re like the little two year old, when told she couldn’t have any ice cream, she fell into a heap on the floor, crying her eyes out.  If she’d stayed down there, crying that way, she might never have gotten up again, to find out she could have ice cream at another time.  So, more’s the pity, if someone refuses to get back up.  That’s what life can do to us if we’re not careful, and we don’t get back up again once we’ve been knocked down.  Anger and bitterness come and take up residence inside of our hearts, through our complaining and blaming.  I know that because I’ve suffered from that too much myself, and I hate it. 

https://i2.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/0/5/d/e/1223248089466958877valentines%20day2.svg.thumb.png  The only cure I know of though, is to turn to the Lord and prayerfully ask for His help.  Because, if that bitterness is not dealt with properly, and soon enough, it eats away at your insides, and can even affect your heart.  I learned that stress, especially over the death of a loved one, can, and often does, cause heart problems, just like the one I’ve developed now.  Shockingly, it can also cause death–they actually do called it dying from a broken heart!  Love is the antidote to all of that bitterness and anger, and it needs to be employed as soon as possible, in order for the one suffering from the bitterness of spirit to begin to recover, and find the peace and contentment promised by God, to those who belong to the Lord Jesus.  Jesus, Himself, promised us His peace inside, in our hearts and minds, if we trust in Him.  That’s the only cure I know about–it’s the only one that will not only work in this life, but also give us happiness for an eternity, as well.

The Lord Jesus said to us:

“Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.”[John 14:1 KJV]

And, to that, I say, Amen, Lord Jesus, and thank you more than I can ever say.

https://i2.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/3/4/c/2/119710733034108089johnny_automatic_a_dog_and_a_cat_with_an_umbrella.svg.med.png“May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields and,
Until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.” {Irish Blessing}

https://i2.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/s/4/o/p/v/k/hearts-eiffel-tower-hi.png    https://i2.wp.com/www.clker.com/cliparts/2/A/g/l/k/d/dog-and-a-girl-md.png

A “White Knight” Production

Advertisements

One thought on “” A Word fitly Spoken… “

  1. You are truly an amazing women and friend!! Your blogs are heartfelt and clearly show your pain.. please never forget you are so loved!!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s